A cousin of my mom's came for a visit today and to meet Danica. She brought her grandson who is Tyler's age and the three boys had a grand time playing outside. It was so nice.
Our conversation turned to child rearing. She was marveling at how moms today have it harder than she did when raising her four kids (primarily in the 1960s). It is an observation I've heard before from older moms. The big difference they see is that moms now don't have the neighborhood (or family) support that used to exist. Before it was, let all the kids go play in the street and the moms will visit, take care of babies, and work around the house. The neighborhood moms and kids collectively looked out for one another.
The other main difference parenting then and now is that now there is more focus on Parenting (capital P). It is a sport. A profession. Something many of us choose very consciously and often give up lucrative careers for. It is serious business. The stakes are high (our children!) and the bar is higher. Play dates. Crafts. Homemade baby food. Breastfeeding. Preschool. Organized sports. The list goes on. As my cousin noted, before the mom was always right no matter what she decided to do with and for her kids. Her choice to be a mom was basically an automatic assignment, not a career path. You just got by and used your common sense. She laughed when she told me about another group of young moms she had been with recently and how they had consulted a book about which blankie to provide their child. Sadly, I could relate to that. These days the instinct and common sense in parenting is almost 100% removed. We consult books. Scour magazines. Read parenting blogs. Scan Pinterest. It's a full time job being a parent to very small children that really only want love, food, play and an occasional bath. The irony is deep.
I have made these observations myself since becoming a mom 4 years ago but it was nice to have my theory validated by a mom of the 60s when children were kids. Not adults in training.
I wonder if we will get back to the simple days of neighborhood play, using our own ideas and common sense, life outside of being a Parent. It's so exhausting! And where does it get us and our children? The scrutiny and focus can't be good for anyone in the long term. Parenting isn't natural anymore. It's contrived.
I would love to send Tyler and Travis out to play with the neighbor kids while I watch from afar or maybe not at all. (gasp!) But if I did they'd be wandering our quiet and lonely neighborhood by themselves. The other kids are inside studying or practicing piano. Maybe watching an educational TV program like Super Why or participating in a craft project that engages both gross and fine motor skills.
Times have changed. And that is inevitable. But I do really question if the changes in Parenting have been for the better.
What do you see as a mom or parent? Do you have a lot of support? Do you feel the pressure and competition or is that an individual thing? How is your neighborhood?
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What a cute family you have! I'm a mom to three as well. :) So glad I found your blog so I can follow along!
ReplyDeleteI too have come to the same conclusion. I grew up in the 60's (HS graduation in '72) with five siblings. My parents were there when we needed them but gave us plenty of time and room. I'm also a parent of three daughters, now ages 18 through 22. When they were young I noticed the difference. When, as kids, my friends and I wanted to play football we went to the schoolyard and organized a game. No referees or lines on the field and no audience. When my daughters got involved in sports they joined a local league - there were no pickup games. What a different experience. The adults were in charge, making sure the rules were followed, preventing conflict, and shouting encouragement from the bleachers. My impression was that the league was more for the parents than the kids. I wanted them to be able to just PLAY. Make mistakes, solve their own problems, learn to get along without some higher authority taking care of them. That's what children really need, to find their own way into adulthood and not have it so much scripted or planned. I'm not advocating total chaos, of course, but surely there is a middle ground on which children can experiment, make mistakes, and figure things out for themselves.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with everything you've said. My family {aunts + mom} have talked a ton about how they would leave in the morning and be gone all day, even as a little kid. Everyone in the neighborhood would keep an eye out and it wasn't just one family of kids out... it was all of them so the older kids were keeping an eye on the littles too. Now, I even feel a little weird about sending Finn out to our neighbor's house. You just don't know what kind of weird shit people have going on in their homes these days.
ReplyDeleteI stumbled onto your page from another blog and I have to say I love this post. It's so true - parents are so overinvolved it's not even funny. As a parent to an almost four year old and a two year old, I just want to do things the way my parents did 30 years ago. But it's so different now, like you said. At 5, I walked to school and from with my six year old sister, just a few blocks, around the corner and up a big hill. These days, parents would drive kids that distance.
ReplyDeleteBecause of the way of blogs and pinterest, people are always putting their best, most creative, most amazing foot forward all the time and they never post about the boring, average, or crabby days. I can say with certainty that the woman who are setting this new standard for what a mom should be were raised just exactly like I was: played at friends' houses (not playdates) rode bikes around town, ate plenty of PB+Js that weren't shaped into a cartoon character or part of a themed lunch, and had moments where they scratched paint of the wall or chewed up a piece of paper because they were just that bored. That kind of boredom is what forces kids to get creative.